My Journey in Widowhood

 60 days since I lost my husband. 60 days. Hard to believe it’s been that long, yet it seems like forever. Too long since I saw his smile or heard his voice.  I don’t like this new life of mine. I don’t like the quiet, the loneliness or the emptiness. Daily someone will tell me that “time will make it easier.” I wish we could fast forward to that moment in time. It sure isn’t easier thus far.  My granddaughter flew in from Seattle yesterday. She’s here for several weeks. It’s SO good to have her here. She’s growing into quite the young lady. Hard to believe she’s 15 already. She and I are heading out on our “grand adventure” next week. Just the two of us, a dog and a cat. She’s a good kid and looking forward to the adventure. It will be a learning and bonding experience for both of us.  I started teaching her how to read a map yesterday. An invaluable skill to have when your traveling. Of course she looked at me like I had lost my mind when I told her “you can’t coun...

  Yesterday was a tough day. No matter how busy I kept myself, my emotions were on my sleeve.  It all started with the “You have memories today with…” message on FB. I clicked on it to find photo after photo of Mark and I traveling in our RV’s. Seemed we were on the road during the end of June every year from 2009-2015. Usually on our way to Ky to camp at Diamond Lakes so we could spend time with our son and his family or heading to Florida to visit our daughter and her family and camp at Disneyworld. Mark loved to RV and we traveled great together. We’d pile both dog AND the cat in, and off we would go. (Our yorkie, Annabelle, was quite the traveler. She travelled across the country many times by car, RV and plane. Like Mark, she loved every minute.) Any couple that can coexist in an RV for weeks at a time without fighting is solid. WE were solid. Despite mishaps and blunders we would laugh our way across this great country. I hope that one day I can scroll through all the pi...

  Yesterday was a good day. Until I got home. I spent the day at a water park with a girlfriend. It was nice catching up and relaxing. Weather was good. Rain rain in the morning, overcast through the day but temps were only in the low to mid 80’s. We decided to head home about 3 and the timing was perfect. It started raining shortly after we got to the car.  Arriving home was tough as usual. I go back and forth between hating being at home to not wanting to leave the house. Coming home to an empty house guts me every time.  Doesn’t matter how I try to frame it in my mind. It’s too big, too quiet and too empty. Today I had another session with my grief therapist. Another thing that is hard to do. Talking about the very thing I try not to think about, Mark being dead.  How does one come to terms with losing their “person”? The one that completed them and made them a better person? Grief is different from person to person and situation to situation. For me it’s a vast o...

  Hard to believe June is almost over. I don’t remember most of May and it seems that I haven’t stopped for a minute in June. Part of the busy pace in June has been deliberate on my part. Keeping busy keeps my mind from focusing on Mark being gone all the time. I’m still swamped by waves of grief throughout every day, but my grief isn’t constantly debilitating and it isn’t the only thing on my mind every second of every minute.   One thing that seems to be getting worse is my anxiety. It doesn’t help that everything seems to be an uphill struggle. So many things need to be done and nothing seems to go smoothly. Everything is a struggle and I fight to keep going. There are times when I just want to give up. What’s the point of building a life, working hard for it and having it all ripped away? What’s the point of building a life to enjoy WITH someone only to end up spending it alone?  This was supposed to be our “golden years.” Time for us to enjoy the fruits of our labor ...

 Yesterday was a big day. Exciting, stressful and sad. Mark and I had talked for the last 2 years about trading the Thor Tuscany in for a 5th wheel. The Thor only slept 4 and with 7 grandkids we wanted to travel with it was not a good fit. We were limited to only taking 1 or 2 kids at a time. (Which we did but we want all the cousins to grow up spending time together.)  After much thought and finishing the research we started last winter, I decided to trade or sell the Thor and get a 5th wheel. I drove all the class A’s we’ve had so pulling it doesn’t intimidate me. (Backing it in DOES however!)  I got a good deal on trading it in and a great deal on a new 5th wheel. My brother is here teaching me how to back it in and out of spots. His years of driving the big rigs for UPS has given him the insight and knowledge I need. I’m looking forward to traveling with the grandkids this summer. I need them as much, if not more, than they need me   I also learned something else...

  This is one of my favorite pictures of Mark. I took this in Costa Rica the year before Covid started. We were touring a coffee plantation and he was waiting for me to catch up with him.  Yesterday was an awful day. It didn’t start out that way. I went to the shop in the morning for a few hours. Ran errands. Had lunch with a friend…..then had an accident. I’m fine. The other car driver and passenger were fine. Thankfully. It could have been much worse. However, after I finally made it home I had a massive anxiety attack. Lasted just under 2 hours and no matter what I did I couldn’t break through it. I just had to live through it.  Now, I have something else on my plate I have to take care of. Alone. When I called my insurance agent to report the accident and she asked me where I wanted to take it for body repair estimates and I fell apart. I had no idea. This is something Mark would have taken care of and the grief swamped me. I was an emotional mess the rest of the even...

  It’s been 1243 hours since Mark died. Yes, I counted them. 1243 hours since the world as I knew it changed forever. 1243 hours since the light that guided my way flickered and went out.  I was so Blessed to have had Mark in my life. Gruff as he could be and as crazy as he made me with his procrastination, I wouldn’t have changed a minute of the time  we had together. It was far to short, but it was filled with love and experiences that I will treasure for the rest of my life.  I spent time yesterday speaking with a psychologist at the VA. It was hard and many tears were shed. I have a long way to go in my grieving process, but realized I needed help. I wish I was one of the “strong” ones who could walk this journey entirely alone, but I can’t.  I kept busy yesterday. There is always something needing to be done. A LOT of “something’s”. After speaking with the psychologist yesterday I went into the shop for almost 2 hours. It’s still no easier walking in the do...

  Mark &Kyler 2018  This is one of my favorite pictures of Mark and Kyler. It was taken at the Zoo on a blustery TN day. We had spent the day enjoying our grandson and you can tell by Marks smile that he was enjoying every minute.  To Mark, family was everything. He was a man that loved deeply and completely. He came across gruff to those who didn’t know him well (and often to those that did). He wasn’t perfect and had no tolerance for stupidity or liars, but he was quick to apologize when he needed to and never hesitated to stand up for others. Mark was very well read and could hold a deep conversation about any topic imaginable. The man was SMART. I miss those discussions and his counsel. He had a soft spot for all animals and would help a sick or hurt animal in a heartbeat.  Mark would do anything for anyone in his inner circle. He was a procrastinator (which made me crazy. It STILL does as I’m dealing with many things I shouldn’t be now that he’s gone), and a...

  I didn’t blog yesterday. Instead, I forced myself to do something for ME. I joined 6 other ladies and spent the day out on my bike. It was a beautiful day to ride. The oppressive heat of the week stayed away and we had temperatures in the lower 80s.   Riding isn’t something Mark and I shared. He didn’t care for motorcycles, but he knew I loved my “wind therapy,” so he encouraged it. Riding yesterday was the first activity I’ve participated in that didn’t bring tears. Likely because there were no “Mark Memories” associated with riding. The ladies all knew about Mark passing. One lost her first husband many years ago. They encouraged me to talk about him over lunch. Amazing group of women.  I have someone coming by the house this afternoon to give me an estimate on a few things I need done around here. Things I can’t do on my own and I want to get the house ready. In 10 months I will be making the decision to either keep the house, or sell it. Either way I want to be read...

 I didn’t blog yesterday because it was an emotional and VERY busy day. Thee morning was really tough. I woke missing my husband. That in itself isn’t new (duh), but I woke up crying which was a first. I cried off and on all morning. Retreating to the back deck so the littles wouldn’t see. I finally was able to get it together but it was a tough morning. Actually, the entire day was challenging, but not was able to hold it together.  We spent the day at a water park. The kids enjoyed themselves. We kept the littles slathered with sunscreen. As a result only the adults got a bit too red!  Yesterday was my sons 39th birthday. Hard to believe my baby will be 40 next year! Time continues to march forward. While we were having lunch Easton lost his first tooth! I was glad I was there to share his excitement.  Mark popped into my mind so many times. I still think while he would have enjoyed the time spend with the family, he would NOT have enjoyed the water park. Too much ...

  Tomorrow is our last full day here. I have enjoyed every minute spent with my son and his family, yet I have been lonely.  Everywhere we have gone, memories of Mark surfaced. Again and again. It’s simply not the same without him. I feel as if I’m just going through the motions of living. Existing moment to moment on automatic pilot, doing what needs to be done, smiling at all the appropriate places, all the while I feel another piece of myself withering away. My heart aches constantly. No matter how busy I try to keep myself I find my thoughts going to my husband and I am swept away in another wave of fresh grief.  

  Today was a busy, but relaxed and quiet day. We were up early and headed into Pigeon Forge. Puttering around with no set destination or itinerary today. Stephanie took the twins and Kyler to spend a few hours at Wonderworks while my son and I spend some quality time together with the baby.  Other than lunch and gas, but didn’t spend a dime. My husband wouldn’t believe it. A day here without shopping. I wouldn’t have thought it possible last year. My heart just isn’t interested in it. Honestly, it’s not interested in much. It’s just too damn hard to be here without Mark. Everywhere I look up see somewhere we were together. Maybe someday that may be comforting, but not yet. Now,  it’s just another reminder of everything I’ve lost. I saw a couple today that must have been in their 80’s. She was holding his arm and he had his opposite hand covering her hand on his arm. The thought in mind upon seeing them a year ago would have been, “how cute”. Today it gutted me. Having th...

  We spent the day at Dollywood’s Water Park. The kids really enjoyed themselves and were asleep before we arrived back at the cabin. It was HOT today at  over 90 degrees. Everyone stayed hydrated and no one  got a sunburn. I’d call that a success! I struggled off and on throughout the day. So many times thoughts of Mark would come to mind. He wouldn’t have enjoyed today. It was too hot and too loud with all the people and screaming kids. He would have done today without complaint though. Simply because he would have known how much the kids enjoyed it. He was that kind of man. He would have done anything for me and our family.  I am enjoying spending time with my son and his family. Yet there is such a void without Mark here. It just doesn’t feel right. Any joy that I may feel is accompanied by such overpowering feelings of emptiness and grief.  I feel torn in half. How can I  feel joy when the light of my life has been extinguished? 

Day 42 arrived. I knew this week was going to be hard. I just had no idea how hard. I cried on the drive here. I cried last night. This morning I had the urge to pick up my phone and “check in”. Something we both did throughout the day when we weren’t together. I actually reached for my phone before I realized what I was doing.  Mark would have loved this. Time with the littles in the pool, breakfast out and lots of laughter. I found myself just sitting quietly during breakfast and missing Marks presence.  Folks keep telling me how “strong” I am. No, I’m not. For 18 years Mark was my strength. He was my biggest supporter, cheerleader, life coach and anchor. My strength came from being able to lean on him. Now, I’m adrift. My anchor is gone. 

  Today would have been a fun day with Mark. Packing up and heading to Gatlinburg for a week in a cabin with the son and his family. Mark lived for his family. He would have loaded the car this morning and run the dogs to the boarding facility while I ensured the house was ready for our return. I would have run the sweeper, swept all the floors, wiped down the kitchen, started the dishwasher and made sure the washing machine was empty. I then would have started packing the cooler so we could enjoy the first evening without a run to the market. Each of us did the tasks we had settled into over the years. A comfortable partnership knowing exactly what needed to be done and doing it. A team. US. One of the hardest realizations I came to was that I was no longer part of an "US". After 18 years, I had been cut adrift. Alone to find my way. My partner, companion, lover and best friend of 18 years gone far too fast and too soon.  Today, what would have simply been a busy morning was...

  Hard to believe today marks 40 days since Mark died. They are the worst 40 days of my life, and they don't seem to be getting any easier.  I find myself trying to incorporate Mark into my daily life in any way that I can. I started having my morning coffee in HIS mug. I picked up this mug for him several years ago during one of my "Sister Trips". He never missed a morning drinking his coffee from it. I also wrap myself up in his robe. It makes me feel like I'm wrapped in his arms. Little things that help me get through these tough times. No comparison to having him here, but it feels like he is for a few moments. I'm heading to Gatlinburg tomorrow with my son and his family. It's going to be a week filled with tough "firsts". As much as I'm looking forward to spending time with the littles, I'm not looking forward to it. If that makes any sense at all. Gatlinburg was one of Mark's favorite places to visit. I took him there yearly for hi...

  Dealing with the RV yesterday almost broke me. After waiting multiple hours yesterday at the RV for the tow, I called AAA only to be informed that the tow company "cancelled". I let them know as politely as possible that I spent 3 hours waiting, and a courtesy phone call would have been appreciated. I was then informed, "we will work on it". I hung up the phone and cried. That's all I could do.  After I pulled myself together, I went to the shop. The dogs needed food, and it was time to check in face-to-face with my team. I don't know at what point it will get easier to walk into the shop. I quickly went into the office so the staff wouldn't see my tears. It takes time to compose myself, so I can talk with staff and handle the few issues they need me to. I'm nowhere near able to speak with customers. I was at the shop for about 45 minutes and then headed home. I wanted to go to the cemetery, but the weather hasn't cooperated this week. Hopefull...

  Last night passed like those that had come before. Dark, with minimal sleep. Tried to have a few conversations with God. I KNOW the only reason I'm making it through each day is that God IS carrying me through them. I just wish I felt His presence.  I spent several hours yesterday trying to get help with the RV. The repair facility I was going to have it towed to recommended I take it to someone else for the generator work and fluid checks. Found a place after several phone calls. Next came 2 hours trying to find a tow company. Several tow diesel pushers, but currently don't have staff to do the towing. Folks don't want to work (their words, not mine). After 2 hours of no luck, I threw in the towel, had a good cry, and got angry with my husband again for not taking care of this last year. Prayed, and the phone rang. After 4 hours, AAA finally called me back. Apparently, it took them that long to find a tow company in our area that would tow the RV. (If AAA couldn't fi...

  Day 37 Today is day 37. One of the things (among many) I've struggled with is sleep. It doesn't matter what time I crawl into bed or what sleeping pill I take; I'm awake from 2:00 a.m.-to 4:30 every night. EVERY stinking long lonely night. I reach over to his side of the bed and lay my hand there. I lay in the dark, and my mind cycles through 18 years of memories. My soul longing to hear his voice, see his smile and hear him say, "You're my girl, you'll always be my girl", just one more time. Yet, I know "one more time" would never be enough. I still wander the house in the dark. I started that the night he died. I don't know what comfort I think I will find, but I search for it. Being joyless was such a foreign concept for me prior to losing Mark. Now, it's what I am.  I'm a woman of deep faith. I KNOW my husband is in an amazing place. He is happy, joy-filled and restored. Grief is selfish. I want him HERE with me.  On a rational ...

  My journey into widowhood started 36 days ago. 2 weeks to the day of being diagnosed my husband died from Lung Cancer, and my world was torn into pieces. We were married for 14 years, together for 18.  My sister-in-law suggested blogging. Even though I'm journaling, I decided to try. Hoping maybe this will help ease some of my pain and help others understand how I feel.  So much has happened in 36 days. I lost and buried the love of my life and then just last week had to have Mark's dog put to sleep. Bailey was a fighter, she had been battling cancer for the past 3 years. I think she just gave up without Mark. I know how she probably felt. My only comfort in losing Bailey was that I know Mark was waiting for her at the Rainbow Bridge.  I sold Marks Avalon and have been working on the projects around the house that he and I discussed. I also had my 60th birthday. The first birthday in 18 years without him. He had planned a big dinner and party for it. Needless to sa...