Day 40

 


Hard to believe today marks 40 days since Mark died. They are the worst 40 days of my life, and they don't seem to be getting any easier. 

I find myself trying to incorporate Mark into my daily life in any way that I can. I started having my morning coffee in HIS mug. I picked up this mug for him several years ago during one of my "Sister Trips". He never missed a morning drinking his coffee from it. I also wrap myself up in his robe. It makes me feel like I'm wrapped in his arms. Little things that help me get through these tough times. No comparison to having him here, but it feels like he is for a few moments.

I'm heading to Gatlinburg tomorrow with my son and his family. It's going to be a week filled with tough "firsts". As much as I'm looking forward to spending time with the littles, I'm not looking forward to it. If that makes any sense at all. Gatlinburg was one of Mark's favorite places to visit. I took him there yearly for his birthday trip, and we had started renting a cabin for yearly family gatherings. This will be my first trip back to Gatlinburg, my first vacation and my first time at a cabin with the family without him. 

Folks keep telling me how "strong" I am. I'm not. I'm on automatic pilot. Existing and doing what needs to be done. No more, no less. It takes everything I have just to do that and remain upright. I struggle against the waves of grief constantly. I fight to keep my head above the waves while I try to move forward. I wish I could fast forward to a year from now. Past all the "firsts". Past all the tears, frustrations and grief. Past the void of loneliness that no one else can fill. Past the pain. 

I try to cling to God, knowing that God IS carrying me through this. Knowing that my husband is happy, whole and healthy in heaven.  I wouldn't want Mark here fighting cancer and suffering. Yet, I want him here. Grief is so selfish. 


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