Day 52

 

It’s been 1243 hours since Mark died. Yes, I counted them. 1243 hours since the world as I knew it changed forever. 1243 hours since the light that guided my way flickered and went out.  I was so Blessed to have had Mark in my life. Gruff as he could be and as crazy as he made me with his procrastination, I wouldn’t have changed a minute of the time  we had together. It was far to short, but it was filled with love and experiences that I will treasure for the rest of my life. 

I spent time yesterday speaking with a psychologist at the VA. It was hard and many tears were shed. I have a long way to go in my grieving process, but realized I needed help. I wish I was one of the “strong” ones who could walk this journey entirely alone, but I can’t. 

I kept busy yesterday. There is always something needing to be done. A LOT of “something’s”. After speaking with the psychologist yesterday I went into the shop for almost 2 hours. It’s still no easier walking in the door there. I see Mark there in every corner. It brings me to my knees. I don’t know that there will ever come a time that it doesn’t. 

After the shop I went to the cemetery and spent an hour sitting and talking to Mark. I told him I’m starting the projects around the house that we talked about during the winter. This means more noise and confusion in the house, but things need to be done and it will get the house ready to either sell next year or work into the big projects we wanted to do next year. Time will tell. 

Everything is about time. How fast it passes, how much of it we have and how we wish we could turn it back. How many times have we heard that time heals? It doesn’t. Some wounds simply aren’t meant to be healed. All time does is make the memories fade just enough to blunt the pain and take the “edge” off so we can function and move forward. Right now the edges are still razor sharp for me. It often feels that with every breath my pain cuts even deeper and I don’t see any comfort in sight. 

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