Day 44


 Today was a busy, but relaxed and quiet day. We were up early and headed into Pigeon Forge. Puttering around with no set destination or itinerary today. Stephanie took the twins and Kyler to spend a few hours at Wonderworks while my son and I spend some quality time together with the baby. 

Other than lunch and gas, but didn’t spend a dime. My husband wouldn’t believe it. A day here without shopping. I wouldn’t have thought it possible last year. My heart just isn’t interested in it. Honestly, it’s not interested in much. It’s just too damn hard to be here without Mark. Everywhere I look up see somewhere we were together. Maybe someday that may be comforting, but not yet. Now,  it’s just another reminder of everything I’ve lost. I saw a couple today that must have been in their 80’s. She was holding his arm and he had his opposite hand covering her hand on his arm. The thought in mind upon seeing them a year ago would have been, “how cute”. Today it gutted me. Having that was taken away from me and it’s damned unfair. 

I try not to feel sorry for myself, I really do. Yet, how can I not? I’ve lost the person who has mattered the most to me for the past 18 years.  The person I expected to matter the  most for at least ANOTHER 18 or so years. This has all been so damn unfair. 

I haven’t screamed out “WHY” to God, yet. However, it’s coming. I’m starting to feel the slow simmer of anger.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stationary Day

Image
 It’s early only 6 and I’ve been up and dressed for an hour. Rough night with the MS and muscle spasms but it is what it it.  My granddaughter is still fast asleep. I couldn’t even convince the bulldog to come sit outside with me. She did her business and is now asleep, sitting up, on the loveseat in the fifth wheel. The cat, baby is the only one interested in joining me. Yes, I travel with my pets. They are well behaved (better than a lot of kids) and bring me comfort and companionship. They are part of my family. When I travel like this, they are along for the journey. Right now, it’s just me, the camp-stove and percolating coffee.  Mark would have loved it. I can just picture him sitting in shorts and a t-shirt, hat on with a book in his hand. He seldom sat without a book within easy reach. He was very well read. Everything from crime fiction to autobiography’s. I think the only genre he didn’t read was horror. He used to say all he had to do was turn on the evening ne...
Read more

2 Months

Image
  Two months. Two months since my world changed forever. Two months since my heart broke. Two months since the love of my life died.  I’m writing this at 2:30 in the morning. My thoughts are tumbling through my head. My life was not supposed to be this way. I was not supposed to lose my husband this soon. We were supposed to grow old together and become that cute elderly couple folks saw. We were supposed to enjoy watching our grandkids grow up, share family traditions, and made “forever” memories with them together. We were still young enough to have hopes and dreams of things we planned to do together.  Now that’s all gone. Lost in a moment.  A single heartbeat in time that changed everything and erased our future together.  How does one recover from this? Is it even possible? It’s almost impossible to breathe tonight. The depth of the ocean of grief I’m swimming in is indescribable. “Treading water” is exhausting. I’m exhausted. Spiritually, physically and em...
Read more

The Ranch

Image
 Yesterday was tough. I cried at the airport, on the plane, in the rental car and at the ranch. I really can’t begin to express how hard this trip is emotionally.  Mark loved going to the ranch. It was a week dedicated to family and relaxation. Family was so important to Mark and the ranch gave him the opportunity to catch up on how, and what, everyone was doing.  Over the years there have been proposals and other special meetings moments at the ranch. Some years not everyone could go. The table we all sit around during dinner has both grown and shrunk over the years. The loss of Mark’s parents created two empty seats. Now, there is a third empty seat.  I decided to go to the ranch yesterday afternoon. I knew it would be hard to be there without Mark and honestly, I didn’t want Marks family to have to see my grief. They are dealing with their own and I know going to the ranch this year is hard for some on them as well.  As I drove closer to the ranch, the quiete...
Read more