Day 39

 

Dealing with the RV yesterday almost broke me. After waiting multiple hours yesterday at the RV for the tow, I called AAA only to be informed that the tow company "cancelled". I let them know as politely as possible that I spent 3 hours waiting, and a courtesy phone call would have been appreciated. I was then informed, "we will work on it". I hung up the phone and cried. That's all I could do. 

After I pulled myself together, I went to the shop. The dogs needed food, and it was time to check in face-to-face with my team. I don't know at what point it will get easier to walk into the shop. I quickly went into the office so the staff wouldn't see my tears. It takes time to compose myself, so I can talk with staff and handle the few issues they need me to. I'm nowhere near able to speak with customers. I was at the shop for about 45 minutes and then headed home. I wanted to go to the cemetery, but the weather hasn't cooperated this week. Hopefully, I will be able to go this afternoon.

Grief sucks. It's like an ocean with a rip tide during a hurricane. Just when you are drifting along, struggling to stay just to stay afloat, a rip tide grabs you and pulls you out in the storm, just in time for a giant wave to crash over you. Millions of gallons of water push you to the sand and hold you down until your chest feels like it's going to explode. You fight your way upwards to have your head break the surface the second before you would drown. Only to be pulled back down over and over again. That's grief. 

Anyone in a long term relationship has a "role" within that relationship. In fact, we have MANY. Some we're not even consciously aware of. Your partner does as well. Outside of husband and wife, mother and father, we don't think about them. We usually don't consciously define them. Until we're forced to. Some roles are assigned and taken on are based on tradition, some on strengths and others because your partner takes care of the things you don't want to take care of, and visa versa. 

Losing your spouse forces you to not only think about all the roles your spouse filled, but suddenly you are left to fill them. Alone. Without having a clue on HOW to do so. At the most painful point in my life, I am now filling roles my husband filled. The RV is simply one thing on a list that I'm dealing with. So, on top of being overwhelmed by grief alone, I am overwhelmed by tasks. Things that not only do I NOT have a clue on how to do them......I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW EITHER!!! Yet, I have no choice. With no family here, there isn't anyone that can help. If I could go back, I'd have him put together a binder of instructions. This binder would be filled with things like; How often the air conditioner filters should be changed, the phone number and address of the mechanic he trusted, plumber, electrician etc. How to change the water filter on the fridge, how the smoker works etc. I'd leave a similar binder for him along with names, contact numbers and instructions for the things I took care of and the instructions on how to run all the appliances. (If you and your spouse haven't done this yet, please do so).

AAA finally found a tow company after another 4 hours of waiting. They were AMAZING. Browns Mill Towing in Johnson City, TN. Not only did they show up, but they decided to DRIVE the RV where it needed to go as the engine started up. Of course, seeing someone else in the driver's seat started a new round of tears. Another "first" blindsided me. We enjoyed RVing, and I have many memories of him and me travelling together. The realization we will never do so again is a hard one. I miss him so very much. 

Trying to navigate between the bouts of tears, anger and grief (often experiencing all three simultaneously) is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't wish this journey on anyone.