The Ranch

 Yesterday was tough. I cried at the airport, on the plane, in the rental car and at the ranch. I really can’t begin to express how hard this trip is emotionally. 

Mark loved going to the ranch. It was a week dedicated to family and relaxation. Family was so important to Mark and the ranch gave him the opportunity to catch up on how, and what, everyone was doing. 

Over the years there have been proposals and other special meetings moments at the ranch. Some years not everyone could go. The table we all sit around during dinner has both grown and shrunk over the years. The loss of Mark’s parents created two empty seats. Now, there is a third empty seat. 

I decided to go to the ranch yesterday afternoon. I knew it would be hard to be there without Mark and honestly, I didn’t want Marks family to have to see my grief. They are dealing with their own and I know going to the ranch this year is hard for some on them as well. 

As I drove closer to the ranch, the quieter I became. The memories started flowing through my mind. Horse back rides, pool time, family golf tournaments, Solvang, wine tasting, proposals, laughter and most of all love. 

Driving down the main entrance and couldn’t look at anything other than the road. I just couldn’t. I parked the car, turned the engine off, and just sat there. All I could do was cry. It took me a solid 5 minutes to pull myself together to be able to get out of the car. 

I wanted to let the staff know we were on the property and get permission to spend a little time there. I went into the main building where the office is. Thankfully there were no other guests there. As we was giving them my name and explaining why I was there I was hit by a wave of grief that almost took me to my knees. I couldn’t even speak. All I could do was sob. The staff was great. When I could finally could speak I apologized.  Offering me Kleenex, they also gave encouragement and the OK to spend some time at the ranch. 

I noted a few changes as we made our way over the bridge and into the heart of the ranch. A new plaque outside the office, new walkway adornments, and a new perimeter roped off in the center grass. I pointed out the ranch house where we go for our meals, the library and the room Marks parents ALWAYS had. I did NOT go anywhere near the area of room 19. Mark and I shared room 19 for the 15 years I went with him to the ranch and it was HIS room for many years before that. I requested not to have that room this year. I couldn’t handle being in there without him. 

As we walked the grounds I tried to keep up a running narrative. Pointing everything out to my sister while shedding quiet tears and trying to keep my head above the waves of grief. After about 30 minutes or so I had to leave. I had enough. My intent for visiting was to get that huge “first” done with as much privacy as I could. Mission accomplished. I just pray that it helps make today a bit easier. Today, is check in day at the ranch.