Day 54


 Yesterday was a big day. Exciting, stressful and sad. Mark and I had talked for the last 2 years about trading the Thor Tuscany in for a 5th wheel. The Thor only slept 4 and with 7 grandkids we wanted to travel with it was not a good fit. We were limited to only taking 1 or 2 kids at a time. (Which we did but we want all the cousins to grow up spending time together.) 

After much thought and finishing the research we started last winter, I decided to trade or sell the Thor and get a 5th wheel. I drove all the class A’s we’ve had so pulling it doesn’t intimidate me. (Backing it in DOES however!) 

I got a good deal on trading it in and a great deal on a new 5th wheel. My brother is here teaching me how to back it in and out of spots. His years of driving the big rigs for UPS has given him the insight and knowledge I need. I’m looking forward to traveling with the grandkids this summer. I need them as much, if not more, than they need me  

I also learned something else. Apparently when I DO sleep I’m battling something. My brother said I talk in my sleep in about 15 minute intervals, having some kind of conflicts. He couldn’t understand what I was saying and thought I was on the phone when it started. Maybe it’s my brains way of trying to cope with all the stress. Mark never mentioned  ever talked in my sleep so this is new behavior.

This moving forward business is tough. I miss my husband more than I would have thought humanly possible. As I count the days I’m realizing that they are flying past. I wish I could stop them. I think I’m afraid of forgetting the small things about my husband I adored. His smile, his dry sense of humor, the way he was REAL. Mark “did” Mark. He was always true to himself and his beliefs. An honorable man. A procrastinator, but a man of his word. A man anyone could count on. I also know without a doubt that he loved me as much as I loved him. I was lucky to have that kind of love for 18 years. Many people never find that. Selfishly, I wanted many more years. 

I try to focus on the fact that any suffering Mark experienced was short lived. However the fact that he was gone a literal 2 weeks to the day of his diagnosis has made my grief so damn hard. I never had the chance to come to terms that he was even sick before he was gone. I still expect to see him at home. I still think “I gotta remember to tell Mark this” several times every day. I still want to turn to him for advice  

I’m really working hard on moving forward. Trying to create some kind of life with purpose. It sucks. It’s hard. I don’t WANT to do it, but I’m know Mark would want me to. 

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