Widowhood
My sister-in-law suggested blogging. Even though I'm journaling, I decided to try. Hoping maybe this will help ease some of my pain and help others understand how I feel.
So much has happened in 36 days. I lost and buried the love of my life and then just last week had to have Mark's dog put to sleep. Bailey was a fighter, she had been battling cancer for the past 3 years. I think she just gave up without Mark. I know how she probably felt. My only comfort in losing Bailey was that I know Mark was waiting for her at the Rainbow Bridge.
I sold Marks Avalon and have been working on the projects around the house that he and I discussed. I also had my 60th birthday. The first birthday in 18 years without him. He had planned a big dinner and party for it. Needless to say, it was cancelled. I spent the day alone.
My sister and I went through Marks's office before she left last month. Mark's main office (he actually had two at the house) was in the side room of the house. This is the room you go through to exit the side door of the house, the main door we've always used. That meant every time I took the trash out or left and entered our house I was walking right through the place he spent 80% of every day. It gutted me each time. Thankfully, my sister was here to lean on and she guided me with completely changing that area. Now, I don't see him every time I walk through it or the kitchen. It helps, I think. At least momentarily.
Mark loved this house. While we purchased it together, it was HIS house. On 5+ wooded acres with wildlife galore. He LOVED it here in Northwest TN. We spent many many hours sitting on the front porch just watching the deer in the evenings. This was his favorite time of year here. Everything is incredibly green. Our home is private and you can't see the neighbor due to all the tree leaves. A city boy through and through he took to the country like he'd been born into it. Gardening and even helping me raise chickens. This place soothed his soul. Now, it breaks my heart. This house is just a painful reminder of what we shared and the dreams we had. I never envisioned becoming a widow at 59.
Today I'm starting to tackle the RV. This is something I had been pushing Mark to do for the past 2 years. Of course, he didn't so now I'm left to deal with it, alone. I have to admit that there are times I'm angry with him. He had no choice but to leave. However, he should have taken care of selling the Avalon and RV. Now, I'm left to deal with it. Alone.
It's an awful feeling to be angry and grieving at the same time. The anger pushes me to get things done, while the grief often buries me. Sometimes at the most unexpected times. I spend a bit of time at the cemetery almost daily. It's truly the only place where I feel his strong presence. I bring a chair or blanket, and sit and talk with him. Cry and try to heal. I always leave the cemetery feeling like I took another step forward. Then, at some point during the day the heavy grief takes me to my knees and I lose whatever progress I've made.
I made a promise to myself to give myself time. I committed to not making any major decisions for a year. I'm just doing the projects Mark and I had talked about doing. No major move, no selling our home or business. It felt like a great idea at the time. Now, it feels like a trap. The house is too big for just me and it just reminds me of everything I've lost.
Going to the business guts me every time. Wag N Suds was something that we were to do TOGETHER during our retirement. Now, I'm doing it alone. I thank God every single day for the staff we have. They have been keeping everything running. There were weeks when I wasn't strong enough to walk in the front door. Now, I can make it through the doors and into the office before I start crying. Baby steps I guess.
Grief is a monster. I've experienced grief before. Both my parents are gone and I lost a close friend. I thought that was rough, but it was NOTHING compared to the grief I feel now. There are moments where I literally struggle to even breathe.
I know God is seeing me through this, but God seems so far away. I attended church for the first time without Mark a week ago. I sat alone in a pew and cried most of the service. I bolted from the church as quickly as I could. I couldn't go yesterday. Just too hard with it being my birthday as well. I simply wasn't strong enough.
I try so hard to keep moving forward with baby steps. I tell myself I have NO choice but to push forward. Mark would have expected me to. He would want me to keep moving forward and to LIVE. I just can't picture life and the future without him. It doesn't help that I'm alone here. The nearest family is at least 6 hours away.
My friends have been wonderfully supportive, but I admit I hold back from them. Who wants to spend time with a person who is deeply grieving? I know I'm not fit for human company. I have no joy. No spark. Grief has stripped them from me. I am on automatic. Doing whatever needs to be done between the moments when I am overwhelmed with grief.
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