Day 51

 

Mark &Kyler 2018 

This is one of my favorite pictures of Mark and Kyler. It was taken at the Zoo on a blustery TN day. We had spent the day enjoying our grandson and you can tell by Marks smile that he was enjoying every minute. 

To Mark, family was everything. He was a man that loved deeply and completely. He came across gruff to those who didn’t know him well (and often to those that did). He wasn’t perfect and had no tolerance for stupidity or liars, but he was quick to apologize when he needed to and never hesitated to stand up for others. Mark was very well read and could hold a deep conversation about any topic imaginable. The man was SMART. I miss those discussions and his counsel. He had a soft spot for all animals and would help a sick or hurt animal in a heartbeat.  Mark would do anything for anyone in his inner circle. He was a procrastinator (which made me crazy. It STILL does as I’m dealing with many things I shouldn’t be now that he’s gone), and a man of his word. He had old school manners and was a true gentleman. A man of honor. I miss him terribly. 

I’m trying to take small steps forward. Yesterday was insanely busy. I left the house before 9 to start dealing with the RV and didn’t return home until a bit after 4. Between the RV dealership, picking up the RV from the shop and taking it to the dealership, taking the truck to have the gooseneck installed and picking the dogs up, I was toast. However, the day was far from done. The auto dealership came by at 5 to pick up the blue van and I had a contractor here at 6 to give me an estimate for things I want done around the house. I finally ate my first meal of the day at 7:30 last night. 

Several times yesterday but found myself a bit angry with Mark. I was doing things I had asked him to do. Repeatedly. His procrastination was the one thing I always wished I could change. Not his gruffness, or his stubbornness. I could always humor him out of both of those.  He was the King of Procrastination. As a result, on top of dealing with the “normal” tasks of grieving and trying to survive daily, I’m dealing with other things as well. Alone, and I admit it makes me angry. 

I’m still not sleeping well. I have an appointment today to address that issue. I also have an appointment to see my cardiologist. I’m planning on going into the shop this afternoon, then the cemetery. 

When I was at the cemetery on Sunday I noticed two new headstones in Marks row. I expect his to arrive soon. I’m not sure how I’m going to take seeing it for the first time. It will add the last layer of finality. More evidence that time moves forward whether we want it to or not. 

My house hasn’t felt like “home” since he died. I don’t know that it ever will again. I made the inner commitment that I would not make the decision to stay in the house or sell it for a year. There are moments where I don’t know how I am going to stay here for another hour, let alone another 10.5 months. 

I feel as if I’m trying to start a new life on a new planet. One where I don’t know the geography, language or social customs. Having been part of an “US” for 18 years and now being alone isn’t where I saw myself at this point in my life. I’m still lost. It’s like I’m in a snow globe and someone has tipped it over and brutally shook it. Instead of glitter falling around me, it’s pieces of my life that have been shattered that drift down. How do you begin to fix that?


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