Day 53

 

This is one of my favorite pictures of Mark. I took this in Costa Rica the year before Covid started. We were touring a coffee plantation and he was waiting for me to catch up with him. 

Yesterday was an awful day. It didn’t start out that way. I went to the shop in the morning for a few hours. Ran errands. Had lunch with a friend…..then had an accident. I’m fine. The other car driver and passenger were fine. Thankfully. It could have been much worse. However, after I finally made it home I had a massive anxiety attack. Lasted just under 2 hours and no matter what I did I couldn’t break through it. I just had to live through it. 

Now, I have something else on my plate I have to take care of. Alone. When I called my insurance agent to report the accident and she asked me where I wanted to take it for body repair estimates and I fell apart. I had no idea. This is something Mark would have taken care of and the grief swamped me. I was an emotional mess the rest of the evening. 

That is what my poor brother pulled up to last night. The “strong” big sister needed to be propped up with a hug, cry and a long conversation. My brother came through in Aces. It’s what we Henderson siblings do. When one needs, the others come running. He drove the 6 hours to be here. I’m so blessed to have my siblings. 

I am trying so hard to keep moving forward through my grief. At times, it’s almost impossible. Just when I think I’m going to get through a day upright something happens and the wave of grief swamps me. It doesn’t have to be something big either. It can be something very simple like opening a cabinet and seeing his coffee mug or simply wishing he was here to share something with. It always catches me unaware and leaves me reeling. 

Today will be a busy day. I have an appointment the receive my new cochlear implant processors and be mapped. Terry and I will visit the cemetery and then to the RV shop. The contractor starts working on the kitchen ceiling today too. 

I’m starting all the projects Mark and I had planned to do this summer on the house. I have 10 months to get it done. 10 months before I allow myself to make a decision to stay here in this house or sell it and purchase something smaller. 

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