Day 38

 

Last night passed like those that had come before. Dark, with minimal sleep. Tried to have a few conversations with God. I KNOW the only reason I'm making it through each day is that God IS carrying me through them. I just wish I felt His presence. 

I spent several hours yesterday trying to get help with the RV. The repair facility I was going to have it towed to recommended I take it to someone else for the generator work and fluid checks. Found a place after several phone calls. Next came 2 hours trying to find a tow company. Several tow diesel pushers, but currently don't have staff to do the towing. Folks don't want to work (their words, not mine). After 2 hours of no luck, I threw in the towel, had a good cry, and got angry with my husband again for not taking care of this last year. Prayed, and the phone rang. After 4 hours, AAA finally called me back. Apparently, it took them that long to find a tow company in our area that would tow the RV. (If AAA couldn't find anyone, no wonder I couldn't after a mere 2 hours on the phone)! Praise God! I am meeting them at the RV at 10 this morning. Pray it goes smoothly, and the 500.00 AAA will pay towards the tow covers most, if not all of it.

My stress level is through the roof. I'm still very "scattered, " making it hard to get things accomplished. That causes more anxiety because so much needs to be done. I haven't been to the shop this week yet. I plan on going tomorrow. I didn't make it to the cemetery yesterday due to the RV issue and pouring rain. Raining again today. After the RV, I will head there if there is a break in the weather. 

I'm tired. Bone weary, exhausted and overwhelmed. My MS is making its presence known as well. I'm having a tough time holding onto things and tripping on a regular basis. I don't need a fall. Especially being alone. It's hard enough dealing with the challenges of being deaf. Even though I have bilateral cochlear implants, they don't work well for me. Mark was always there to help me identify sounds and interpret them. Now, I miss a lot. I've had the Sheriff at my door because I set the house alarm off. I don't hear the "warning" beeps the alarm system emits if I forget to turn it off and open a door. I don't hear the doorbell or a knock at the door either. I'm working on "deafening" the house. Flashing lights etc., but our house was built 40 years ago and wasn't designed for an easy electrical upgrade. Fun times. 

Another thing I'm trying to do is go away every month. Even if it's just a long weekend to get out of the house. With family 6-8 hours in multiple directions, I plan to hop on the bike and visit. It's not good for my mental health to be in this house alone all the time. 

This Saturday I'm joining my son and his family on their vacation. Instead of going to FL, they are coming to TN for a week. We will be heading to a cabin near Gatlinburg. 

This trip will be another "first". First trip without Mark and my first trip back to Gatlinburg since he died. I took Mark to Gatlinburg every year for his birthday. He loved the area. In fact, we were scheduled to stay there the week he passed. This will be my first trip there without him. As much as I'm looking forward to spending time with my son and his family, I'm not. 

 I hate"firsts". They are incredibly painful and a harsh reminder of what is gone, what I've lost and what isn't coming back. With every "first" comes a new round of grief and loneliness. It's hard to keep any emotional footing when you are constantly being knocked backwards by grief. Just when I think I'm moving forward, grief comes along with a harsh reminder that while time is marching forward, I'm not. I'm stuck in a painful present. It makes me want to crawl under the bed and lay there curled in a fetal position indefinitely. I fight the urge to "just give up" every day. Crawling into bed, pulling the blanket over my head, and ignoring the world. Forgetting the things that need to be done. Trying to ignore the emptiness and pain. I wish it were possible to forget, even for a day. 


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