My Journey in Widowhood

 Yesterday was tough. I cried at the airport, on the plane, in the rental car and at the ranch. I really can’t begin to express how hard this trip is emotionally.  Mark loved going to the ranch. It was a week dedicated to family and relaxation. Family was so important to Mark and the ranch gave him the opportunity to catch up on how, and what, everyone was doing.  Over the years there have been proposals and other special meetings moments at the ranch. Some years not everyone could go. The table we all sit around during dinner has both grown and shrunk over the years. The loss of Mark’s parents created two empty seats. Now, there is a third empty seat.  I decided to go to the ranch yesterday afternoon. I knew it would be hard to be there without Mark and honestly, I didn’t want Marks family to have to see my grief. They are dealing with their own and I know going to the ranch this year is hard for some on them as well.  As I drove closer to the ranch, the quiete...

 Today is the first time I’ve traveled by plane without Mark since he passed. I went through the normal near strip search I always do. Although this time my husband wasn’t there to tease me afterwards.  Our flight leaves in an hour so we are killing time in the cafe. I’ve already been in tears at the airport. I KNEW this was gonna be a tough trip. Thank God for waterproof mascara. First suck. Big time. 

  I’ve been dreading the coming week of firsts since Mark died. You see every year for the past 30 plus years, Mark’s family all gather at a ranch in CA. It’s his sister and their families. Mark had made our reservations last year for the event. We had stayed in n the same room every year. It’s a time of reconnecting with family, relaxation and a lot of fun.  Not this year. See contacted the ranch about 2 weeks after Mark died to request I NOT stay in the same room that make and I always had. I knew that merely going to the ranch without him would gut me. Staying in “our” room would be impossible. I found out this week they were able to put my sister (She is going with me,) and I into a cottage. One less emotional gutting to go through!  If I could have found a way to get out of attending this year, I would have. Going to the ranch is going to be the most difficult thing to do since I walked away from his casket for the last time before his burial.  Normally, I start...

  My husband was a hard core smoker. No matter how I begged, pleaded and yes, nagged, he couldn’t stop. He was a very respectful smoker. In 18 years he never smoked in a vehicle I rode in or our home. He would walk away, find a spot and light up.  He was diagnosed with Lung Cancer and was gone 11 days later.  The first 2 months following his death I lived in a fog. I don’t remember much of the first 2 weeks at all. I remember being in a fog of grief. Everything happened so fast and I was in a state of numb denial.   As the fog started retreating anger started creeping in. Between the waves of intense grief, anger came and became powerful. Mark would be an easy target for all the anger. After all, he chose to keep smoking. However, I haven’t experienced many episodes on anger directed at him. No more than 3 or 4 times. I find myself unable to be angry at him. I know he didn’t want to leave me. He verbalized that to me when we realized he was terminal.  As a perso...

  Rachel made it safely back home this evening. I know her momma was glad to have her back home. She was such a bright light in my life for the past month. We’re already counting the days until she can return.  Now, it’s just me. It’s no easier than it was a month ago. It just isn’t.  I met with my grief counselor yesterday. We talked about how I’m so angry. Yes, it’s “normal” and yes, I already knew that. The hardest part of all the anger I feel is that there is nowhere for it to go. It’s futile. Who am I supposed to be angry with? My dead husband? God? Everyone? What do I do with all the anger? As if it’s not enough trying to keep my head above the waves of grief, I have to figure out how to cope with being angry at the world too. Freaking great.  I have to find the new “me.” I’ve been part of an “us” for 18 years and while I was independent within that relationship, I wasn’t INDEPENDENT. I had a partner, a  rock and anchor.  Now, I’m trying to find my wa...

  Today is Rachel’s last full day here. I’m really going to miss this kiddo. It’s been wonderful seeing the glimpses of the young women man she is evolving to be. I’m already missing her and looking forward to seeing her next summer.  Bring home means developing some form of a routine. I have appointments scattered through the week, the contractor is still here, so the house is in complete disarray.  Jennifer arrives Friday and we leave on Saturday. Forming a routine will have to wait.  Right now, I’m living life one moment at a time and doing things as they need to be done. Not something that will work forever and it’s the opposite of how I used to be.  I always had a plan A, backup plan B and a back up to the backup. Now, I could give a rats patootie about most everything. I used to thrive on routines. Now I wonder what the point was.  I’m a completely different person than I was before Marks passing. Grief changes you. The deeper the grief, the more prof...

 My husband and I had developed an evening routine many years ago. We would have dinner, clean up, then spend the evening sitting on the front porch.  Living rural, we have few neighbors of the human variety and they are separated from us by acres of woods. Sitting on our porch we would rarely see a car drive by. We would watch the deer, turkey, squirrels and even the occasional skunk meander by as we talked about our day, “things” we needed to do, family and world events. Our evenings were special. Time devoted to each other. I never tired of hearing my husbands views and opinions. He was an incredibly well read man with uncanny insight into people and what made them “tick.” He was stubborn, very strong willed, but would do anything for those he cared about. We balanced each other. I know I was a better person because of him.  I don’t spend much time on the front porch anymore. I think I’ve sat out there half a dozen times since Mark died. It’s to hard, so the chairs sit...

 2600 miles later our adventure came to an end and I returned home. New memories were made and old memories relived. Rachel is here for just a few more days before she flies home. I know her momma is ready to have her home, but we will miss her. She’s been a joy to have.  I was hoping returning home would be easier than it was. I’ve cried twice since returning home and that was within the first 4 hours of being home.  It’s hard to articulate what it feels like being here without Mark. It’s amazing what a difference the absence of one person makes. I still feel like I’m drifting without an anchor and fighting to stay afloat.  I so wish I could just have another hour with him. To say everything that have wished I said the last week he was here. Things that I thought I’d have plenty of time to say. I wish I could ask him how I’m supposed to go on without him.  I know his advice on how to move forward would be 100% what I need to do and hear. I need to hear him tell...

  Today was the last “full day” on our adventure. We are within 2 hours of home. While tomorrow’s drive will be short, emptying out the 5th wheel and then cleaning out the truck will take several hours. I’ve already started planning my winter trip. I’ve decided to be a “snow bird” this winter.  I have enjoyed my time with Rachel. I’m not looking forward to her leaving on the 26th. Going to be hard to say goodbye. She’s been a joy to have around.  Today was spend at a water park. We had friends join us. Rachel was able to reconnect with a friend she had lost touch with that lives locally. I hope they keep in touch. The contractors have been hard at work at the house while I’ve been gone. My kitchen has been repainted. The back door in the breakfast area has been closed off and a sliding glass door has been installed where the picture windows used to be. They also installed new French doors at the side patio and gutted the 1/2 bath off the kitchen. The bath remodel will be ...

  The majority of today was spent at an amusement park. Rachel had a ball riding the coasters. I watched from afar. No way would my back survive the jostling. I was quite content to wait, and watch. I’m still struggling with being angry today. My anger seems to grow as each day passes. I feel robbed and wonder if God is punishing me for some sin I committed in the past. Rationally, I know God doesn’t work that way, but there is nothing rational about grief. It’s an all encompassing darkness that swallows everything in its path. It’s hard to keep moving forward when it doesn’t feel like I have anything to move forward TO.   

 Today was our longest travel day to date for Rachel & I. 7 hours on the road. I don’t recommend it. I typically limit my drive time to 3 hours. Today reminded me of just WHY. We are now planted for a few days to relax and recharge. I know the critters will enjoy being off the road for a few days as well.  As I expected, heading back home is tough. Part of me is looking forward to not driving any distance for a few weeks, another part wants to keep moving right on past home without bothering to wave as we go by. Of course, I immediately feel guilty for feeling that way. We worked so hard to make TN and that house our HOME for the past 9 years. Longer than any other place we lived together. I wonder if Mark would feel the same way if things had happened in the opposite, or would he have found comfort being there.  I’m hoping the changes being made to the house while I’ve been away will help. The biggest struggle I’ve had with being in the house is that I see Mark in ev...

  Today was another long travel day. Fortunately, the temperatures were about 20 degrees COOLER than the heat we had been experiencing for the past 10 days. We beat the rain that had threatened all day by about an hour. Plenty of time for us to get set up for the night. We are only here overnight but will be on the road tomorrow for less than 4 hours. Hopefully. We will be staying at our next location for a few days. We will all appreciate the break from driving. My critters have tolerated the traveling fairly well. Bella, like most dogs, loves a car ride and still runs to the truck after all this time on the road. Baby, like a typical cat, never hides his distain of anything and everything. His picture above tells me how he feels about travel. Not much. Lol.  Those that know me personally know that I’m very much a “mind over matter” kind of gal. I’ve battled becoming deaf, set backs with my cochlear implants, having MS and every other challenge life has thrown at me with that...

  Today was our first travel day in almost a week and headed to the direction of home.  Since we started traveling on the 5th we have logged almost 1700 miles and still have 5 more days of travel before we’re done. I hope Rachel enjoyed this trip as much as she would have if Mark had been with us.  I have mixed feelings about returning home. Home simply hasn’t felt like “home” since Mark died. It’s simply a house I sleep in, where my “stuff” is. I don’t know if it will ever feel like “home” again. Or if any place ever will. Mark left a big void, one that will never be filled. I still feel as if I’m merely existing. I’m trying to stay focused on family and completing the “chore” list Mark and I discussed last winter. I’m holding firm with not making the decision on keeping or selling the house until next summer. Hopefully by then I’ll be stronger and able to make the right decision.  I have a feeling this fifth wheel will be spending a lot of time on the road this win...

  Spending the day today at a placed filled with memories. Not only if time spent here with Mark, but my parents renewed their wedding vows here on their 50th anniversary. We spent time here together as an extended family over the Christmas holiday, the last we had with my father.  Memories are sharp, a double edged sword. So glad I have them, yet they also cut. Some much deeper than others.  Today is our last day in the area. We head out tomorrow and head south. We plan on taking 6 days to get home. Rachel will then spend a few days at the house before she flies back home. This visit has just flown. Time tends to do that. 

 It’s going to be another HOT one today, but we have plans to beat the heat. Lot’s of sunscreen and a water park!  I’m really enjoying spending time with this young lady. Always interesting to hear the viewpoints of the young. Of course, she thinks I’m very old fashioned. I suppose I am if old fashioned means manners, patriotism and not needing to understand “why” folks do wrong to know what they did was wrong. There is a difference between being judgmental and plain ol knowing what’s right and what’s wrong and holding folks accountable for their behavior and the choices they make.  Mark was the same way  We don’t need to “understand” why someone beats a 72 year old man to death on the streets of NY City, or why someone steals from Logic Vuitton in a flash mob to know it’s wrong. Maybe our society would be in a better place if more folks viewed things the same way. I’m still struggling with Marks absence  when grief hits it’s just as intense as it was the moment...

  We hit triple digit temperatures today with a humidity level more than high enough to add  misery. Thank goodness for air conditioning and cold liquids!  We had a low activity day today because of the heat. Too darn hot to do anything more strenuous that sit in an air conditioned area. So that’s what we did. We actually found a “cat cafe” to spend time in. Being animal lovers this was right up our alley, so to speak. A way to sit, cuddle up with a fur baby and decompress. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but we enjoyed it.  Tomorrow we plan on spending the day slathered in sunscreen at a water park. Anything to try and beat the heat. We are only here for 2 more full days and we intend to make the most of it.  Yesterday was a bit of a struggle. Anxiety is something I’ve always struggled with, but since Mark died it’s been awful.  Yesterday was an example. My anxiety flares without warning. Nothing specific or negative needs to occur in order for it to spiral. I’...

  Yesterday was a long travel day. We traveled through beautiful country. A bit dry though, they need rain. I selfishly hope they don’t get it while we’re here though! I have some enjoyed having this time with Rachel. She’s a sweet, caring, sensitive young lady. We’ve spent lots of time discussing her dreams. I can’t wait to watch her chase them! I’m so glad she has wonderful memories of Mark  I know she wishes he was traveling with us, but we are both making NEW memories that will help carry us through our grief. We got to spend some time with a special visitor last night. My sister! It’s always so good to see her. I am so blessed to be close to both my siblings, but my sister and I have that special bond that only sisters have. She has been my “port in the storm” for the past 2 months. I wouldn’t have made it without her.  We will be here until the 17th, time to play tourist! Mark and I came here frequently, so I know there will be rough moments. I also know I will get ...

 After saying goodbye and dealing with technical issues we were finally on our way. Yesterdays drive was the longest so far in the trip. Thankfully, the weather was dry and we were at our location by 4.  This is only an overnight stop so we didn’t do a full set up as it doesn’t make sense to. Still miserably hot and humid.  It goes without saying anything miss my husband. Not just for have no someone to share the bumps, but the companion. We had that special closeness that communicated even when no words were being spoken. I could just “be” with him. I miss that and knowing it’s gone forever guts me all over again. Widowhood sucks. 

  I’m writing this at 2:40 am. Another night of little sleep. Can’t pin point a specific cause. It is what it is.  The past 2 days have been a mix of highs and lows. The highs have been spending time with 5 of our 7 grandkids. They have had a great time getting to know each other. It’s been fun watching them interact and get the know each other. I see the similarities in personalities, softness of heart and smiles.  I pray they make the effort to stay in touch. Family is the most important thing we have.  The lows have been tough. More times than I can count I thought of Mark and how he would have enjoyed this. I saw him in so many places and activities. I missed seeing the grandkids deep in conversation with him, knowing he was guiding them with pearls of wisdom they weren’t aware they were receiving.  Today will be our longest travel day as we leave TN to continue on our adventure. I haven’t disclosed our locations thus far. It’s been deliberate. As a woman tr...

 Another stationary day. It was HOT, humid and stormy. We had a significant storm roll through around 3 this morning. The RV stood up well.  Not much sleep last night. My brain wouldn’t shut off. Mark, as usual, led the parade of memories that seemed to play on an endless loop. I finally succumbed to sleep around 1.  I’m meeting a few girlfriends for breakfast shortly. We rarely have the opportunity to see each other, so when I’m in Nashville, we make the effort. It’s always worth it.  It’s been fun watching the kids getting to know each other. I hope they keep in touch.  Another memory filled day. The plan is to head to Broadway for lunch so Rachel can see it. This making “new” memories is hard. I don’t want to forget a minute of the old ones. I just want them to stop hurting. 

  As we will be stationary for several days I do a full camp set up. Only takes about 30-40 minutes and is well worth the effort.  Last night wasn’t a good sleep night. Not surprising considering all of the emotions associated with being here without Mark. One of the purposes of this trip is to make new memories. Not to forget the old ones, but hoping they won’t remain as painful to remember.  Going to be another hit one. Already 84 and it’s only 8 am. Don’t know what the humidity is, but it’s miserable. We’re going to focus on indoor activities today.  My son and his family are joining us this evening. It will be fun to see the cousins spending time together. Family is important and I want them to have those connections.  This is not an easy city for me to be in. I wish I knew how much time it’s going to take before the memories bring smiles instead of tears  

  Today was a travel day for us. I don’t like to drive for more than 3 hours at a stretch. That was something Mark and We learned through trial and error. We did our share of 8-10 RV days when we HAD to be somewhere, but traveling like that is awful. Your stressed, tired and it takes the joy out of the trip. I won’t do it, especially alone.  We arrived at our destination 30 minutes before a good storm hit. Fortunately we had finished setting up and are safe and dry in the 5th wheel.  Coming to this location has been hard. Mark and I stopped here many, many times. The last 1/2 hour of the drive brought more than a few tears. We will be here until Sunday. I intend to take Rachel to several f Marks favorite places here and share the memories. As hard as it will be for me, I want his memories to live on and be shared. I’m not going to wimp out because it’s hard. I want the grandkids to experience things just like they would if he was physically here. It’s up to me to make sur...

 It’s early only 6 and I’ve been up and dressed for an hour. Rough night with the MS and muscle spasms but it is what it it.  My granddaughter is still fast asleep. I couldn’t even convince the bulldog to come sit outside with me. She did her business and is now asleep, sitting up, on the loveseat in the fifth wheel. The cat, baby is the only one interested in joining me. Yes, I travel with my pets. They are well behaved (better than a lot of kids) and bring me comfort and companionship. They are part of my family. When I travel like this, they are along for the journey. Right now, it’s just me, the camp-stove and percolating coffee.  Mark would have loved it. I can just picture him sitting in shorts and a t-shirt, hat on with a book in his hand. He seldom sat without a book within easy reach. He was very well read. Everything from crime fiction to autobiography’s. I think the only genre he didn’t read was horror. He used to say all he had to do was turn on the evening ne...

  I struggle with “firsts.” They are still painful. My granddaughter and I headed out this morning I n our adventure. Surprisingly everything fell into place beautifully. We hitched to the gooseneck on the first attempt and away we went.  Mark and I loved our time together in the RV. It was never perfect, but everything was always perfect for us. Rachel slept part of the drive (typical teenager lol). During those quiet hours my thoughts drifted to the times in the RV with Mark. How much miss him. I missed the discussions we would have been having about our itinerary and things we wanted to see and do. I missed his comments about the crazy drivers and his complaints about the pot holes.  When I think about Mark, it HURTS. I don’t know what I have to do or how long it will take until the memories stop hurting and just being smiles. I’d have to be ok with him being gone to get there. I don’t see ever feeling that way.  I’m trying to start a new chapter, filled with new ...

  Yesterday the 4th of July was celebrated across our great nation. My granddaughter and I went over to Bill & Kathy’s for BBQ and fireworks on the lake. During the hard times in life, you learn who your FRIENDS are. Kathy & Bill fall firmly in that category. I thank God for placing them in our lives.  As if going through the grieving process wasn’t rough enough to wade through, I have to survive the “firsts.” The firsts are those moments that stop me in my tracks. They are the moments that take my breath away as the waves of grief slam into me. They are the moments that I  do something I  used to do or celebrate with Mark, and I realize, in that moment, I will never experience that with him again. I am thrust into a kaleidoscope of memories. As I am nowhere close to being healed, I am not able to smile at the memories. They serve as a painful reminder of all that I’ve lost.  However, I know that closing myself off and not experiencing these “first’s” wo...

  Got through yesterday one moment at a time. It was a busy day as we are starting the last preparations for our trip. We plan to head out before noon on Tuesday. Today will be spent on laundry and house cleaning followed by a BBQ and fireworks in the lake with good friends. Tomorrow will be all the last minute  packing, loading the RV and visiting the cemetery.  I wonder how long it will be before my emotions “even out.”  I’ve cried more over the past two weeks than I have over the previous 60 years. I’m still very impatient and find have have my husbands tolerance for stupidity 😳😳. I hope this stage passes sooner rather than later.  My Griefshare support group starts in mid-August after I return from  the ranch. As much as I’m not looking forward to participating in the group, I am interested in meeting folks that are grieving like I am. I shelter my family and friends from the worst of my grief. I don’t discuss it on FB or anywhere else. This blog is t...

  Two months. Two months since my world changed forever. Two months since my heart broke. Two months since the love of my life died.  I’m writing this at 2:30 in the morning. My thoughts are tumbling through my head. My life was not supposed to be this way. I was not supposed to lose my husband this soon. We were supposed to grow old together and become that cute elderly couple folks saw. We were supposed to enjoy watching our grandkids grow up, share family traditions, and made “forever” memories with them together. We were still young enough to have hopes and dreams of things we planned to do together.  Now that’s all gone. Lost in a moment.  A single heartbeat in time that changed everything and erased our future together.  How does one recover from this? Is it even possible? It’s almost impossible to breathe tonight. The depth of the ocean of grief I’m swimming in is indescribable. “Treading water” is exhausting. I’m exhausted. Spiritually, physically and em...

 Somehow I survived the first 60 days. Honestly, I don’t remember much about the first few weeks. It’s probably just as well. What I DO remember I would rather forget.  I was so very lucky to have had Mark for the 18 years that I did. He was far from perfect, but I’m not either. However, what were, was good for each other. His procrastination balanced my type A “gotta be done NOW,” and his “no threshold BS meter” balanced my “gotta ALWAYS forgive and forget.” That’s not to say we didn’t have our moments with each other, but we were COMMITTED to each other and neither was willing to ever walk away. We laughed often and loved unconditionally. Having that was wonderful, but the cost of having that kind of relationship is a grief that is often unbearable. It makes me wonder if it was all worth it.  Tomorrow will mark the two month point since this journey began. In a lot of respects it hurts more now than it did the day he died. “Time heals all wounds.” Really?!?