Dealing With Anger

 

My husband was a hard core smoker. No matter how I begged, pleaded and yes, nagged, he couldn’t stop. He was a very respectful smoker. In 18 years he never smoked in a vehicle I rode in or our home. He would walk away, find a spot and light up. 

He was diagnosed with Lung Cancer and was gone 11 days later. 

The first 2 months following his death I lived in a fog. I don’t remember much of the first 2 weeks at all. I remember being in a fog of grief. Everything happened so fast and I was in a state of numb denial.  

As the fog started retreating anger started creeping in. Between the waves of intense grief, anger came and became powerful. Mark would be an easy target for all the anger. After all, he chose to keep smoking. However, I haven’t experienced many episodes on anger directed at him. No more than 3 or 4 times. I find myself unable to be angry at him. I know he didn’t want to leave me. He verbalized that to me when we realized he was terminal. 

As a person of faith, I have always believed that we are called back home to God when our job here is done. My brother reminded me of that on one of the few days I WAS angry with Mark. He reminded me that if Mark had never smoked a day, God STILL would have taken him home on May 2nd. I wish I could find comfort with that. Maybe I will in the future, but right now I don’t. My anger prevents me from doing so. For the first time, I identified who I was angry at. GOD. I’m so angry with GOD. He took everything that mattered from me. He took my husband, all our future plans and left me shattered. 

I don’t know how to begin to move past my anger.  Know I have to because anger left smoldering becomes bitterness. I don’t want to be a bitter person. 

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