Back To My “Normal”

 

Rachel made it safely back home this evening. I know her momma was glad to have her back home. She was such a bright light in my life for the past month. We’re already counting the days until she can return. 

Now, it’s just me. It’s no easier than it was a month ago. It just isn’t. 

I met with my grief counselor yesterday. We talked about how I’m so angry. Yes, it’s “normal” and yes, I already knew that. The hardest part of all the anger I feel is that there is nowhere for it to go. It’s futile. Who am I supposed to be angry with? My dead husband? God? Everyone? What do I do with all the anger? As if it’s not enough trying to keep my head above the waves of grief, I have to figure out how to cope with being angry at the world too. Freaking great. 

I have to find the new “me.” I’ve been part of an “us” for 18 years and while I was independent within that relationship, I wasn’t INDEPENDENT. I had a partner, a  rock and anchor.  Now, I’m trying to find my way completely alone. 

My counselor told me I need to find my “nightlight.” A new purpose to light my way. I don’t want a new purpose. I want my old purpose back. On a rational level I know I can’t have it back. My old life and purpose is gone forever. I know there is no living in the past, but the present sucks and I can’t see past it. 

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