More Firsts



 I’ve been dreading the coming week of firsts since Mark died. You see every year for the past 30 plus years, Mark’s family all gather at a ranch in CA. It’s his sister and their families. Mark had made our reservations last year for the event. We had stayed in n the same room every year. It’s a time of reconnecting with family, relaxation and a lot of fun. 

Not this year. See contacted the ranch about 2 weeks after Mark died to request I NOT stay in the same room that make and I always had. I knew that merely going to the ranch without him would gut me. Staying in “our” room would be impossible. I found out this week they were able to put my sister (She is going with me,) and I into a cottage. One less emotional gutting to go through! 

If I could have found a way to get out of attending this year, I would have. Going to the ranch is going to be the most difficult thing to do since I walked away from his casket for the last time before his burial. 

Normally, I start getting ready for the ranch a month or so before it. Clothes shopping etc. to make sure we have everything we need. Mark used to tease me every year and every year my response was the same, “You only need one suit and a few ties for dinner, I need a different outfit every night.” He’d reply “true” then give me a kiss. It was a conversation that played out every year.

Not this year. Here we are, 24 hours away from our flight and I haven’t even STARTED packing. I pray last years clothing fits because it’s a bit late to shop now. No mani-pedi was done this year either. I removed my nails the week after Mark died and never had them redone. Why bother? 

As if merely being at the ranch won’t be hard enough, the 3 month anniversary since his death is May 2. 

Internet service will be iffy at the ranch. It’s a beautiful place that encourages rest, riding, massages and relaxation. No tv or phones are in the guest quarters. It’s all about family, love and laughter. I’m going to be clinging to that while I’m there. I will blog when I can. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stationary Day

Image
 It’s early only 6 and I’ve been up and dressed for an hour. Rough night with the MS and muscle spasms but it is what it it.  My granddaughter is still fast asleep. I couldn’t even convince the bulldog to come sit outside with me. She did her business and is now asleep, sitting up, on the loveseat in the fifth wheel. The cat, baby is the only one interested in joining me. Yes, I travel with my pets. They are well behaved (better than a lot of kids) and bring me comfort and companionship. They are part of my family. When I travel like this, they are along for the journey. Right now, it’s just me, the camp-stove and percolating coffee.  Mark would have loved it. I can just picture him sitting in shorts and a t-shirt, hat on with a book in his hand. He seldom sat without a book within easy reach. He was very well read. Everything from crime fiction to autobiography’s. I think the only genre he didn’t read was horror. He used to say all he had to do was turn on the evening ne...
Read more

2 Months

Image
  Two months. Two months since my world changed forever. Two months since my heart broke. Two months since the love of my life died.  I’m writing this at 2:30 in the morning. My thoughts are tumbling through my head. My life was not supposed to be this way. I was not supposed to lose my husband this soon. We were supposed to grow old together and become that cute elderly couple folks saw. We were supposed to enjoy watching our grandkids grow up, share family traditions, and made “forever” memories with them together. We were still young enough to have hopes and dreams of things we planned to do together.  Now that’s all gone. Lost in a moment.  A single heartbeat in time that changed everything and erased our future together.  How does one recover from this? Is it even possible? It’s almost impossible to breathe tonight. The depth of the ocean of grief I’m swimming in is indescribable. “Treading water” is exhausting. I’m exhausted. Spiritually, physically and em...
Read more

The Ranch

Image
 Yesterday was tough. I cried at the airport, on the plane, in the rental car and at the ranch. I really can’t begin to express how hard this trip is emotionally.  Mark loved going to the ranch. It was a week dedicated to family and relaxation. Family was so important to Mark and the ranch gave him the opportunity to catch up on how, and what, everyone was doing.  Over the years there have been proposals and other special meetings moments at the ranch. Some years not everyone could go. The table we all sit around during dinner has both grown and shrunk over the years. The loss of Mark’s parents created two empty seats. Now, there is a third empty seat.  I decided to go to the ranch yesterday afternoon. I knew it would be hard to be there without Mark and honestly, I didn’t want Marks family to have to see my grief. They are dealing with their own and I know going to the ranch this year is hard for some on them as well.  As I drove closer to the ranch, the quiete...
Read more