Routine

 

Today is Rachel’s last full day here. I’m really going to miss this kiddo. It’s been wonderful seeing the glimpses of the young women man she is evolving to be. I’m already missing her and looking forward to seeing her next summer. 

Bring home means developing some form of a routine. I have appointments scattered through the week, the contractor is still here, so the house is in complete disarray.  Jennifer arrives Friday and we leave on Saturday. Forming a routine will have to wait. 

Right now, I’m living life one moment at a time and doing things as they need to be done. Not something that will work forever and it’s the opposite of how I used to be.  I always had a plan A, backup plan B and a back up to the backup. Now, I could give a rats patootie about most everything. I used to thrive on routines. Now I wonder what the point was. 

I’m a completely different person than I was before Marks passing. Grief changes you. The deeper the grief, the more profound the changes are. I did not particularly care for the changes I see in myself. I rarely laugh or smile. I’m just a shell of my “old” self. Existing, but not LIVING. The joy in my heart was snuffed out when Mark died. I lost my reason for everything in that moment. 


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