Another Day of Travel

 


Today was another long travel day. Fortunately, the temperatures were about 20 degrees COOLER than the heat we had been experiencing for the past 10 days. We beat the rain that had threatened all day by about an hour. Plenty of time for us to get set up for the night. We are only here overnight but will be on the road tomorrow for less than 4 hours. Hopefully. We will be staying at our next location for a few days. We will all appreciate the break from driving. My critters have tolerated the traveling fairly well. Bella, like most dogs, loves a car ride and still runs to the truck after all this time on the road. Baby, like a typical cat, never hides his distain of anything and everything. His picture above tells me how he feels about travel. Not much. Lol. 

Those that know me personally know that I’m very much a “mind over matter” kind of gal. I’ve battled becoming deaf, set backs with my cochlear implants, having MS and every other challenge life has thrown at me with that mindset. I’ve never been one to throw long “pity parties” and have always believed that tomorrow will bring a better day. Until it didn’t. 

I’m trying to focus on the blessings God has given me. I’m not being forced to sell my home. I wasn’t forced to return to work after my husband died. I have an amazing support system of family and friends. I know all this. Yet, feel alone. 

Yet, I feel like I’ve been short changed in life. Damn it, I SHOULD have had my husband for at least another 10-15 years. We should have been enjoying our retirement together. Traveling, running the shop and enjoying our grandkids. 

I go back and forth between intense grief and anger. I just don’t know who or what, to be angry at. God? My husband? Life in general? This is just so unfair. My husband and I were robbed of everything we had planned and worked for. What was the point of sacrificing and planning? 

Part of me is VERY angry at Mark. I tried for 18 years to get him to stop smoking. He wouldn’t/couldn’t. Doesn’t matter which it was. The end result was he continued to smoke until his hospitalization. He never touched another but he was gone 2 weeks later. Too little too late. Part of me feels like he simply didn’t love me enough to quit and give us more time. That part is PISSED at Mark.  Big time.  

The other part of me, the parts that holds on to my faith knows that even if he had NEVER smoked, God still would have taken him home at that exact same moment. Marks’ job here was done and it was time for him to return home to God. Yet, that brings me no comfort.  It makes me angry at God. God took away the most important person in the world. The person who meant everything to me. Why? 

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