Changes Coming

 Mark used to bring me flowers. Every. Single. Week.  His way of showing me he was always thinking of me and loved me. Some weeks it was roses, other weeks were wild flowers. One flower that was in each bunch, a lily.  I never knew which day of the week he would bring them home, but he never missed a week. Now, the spot where flowers used to bloom is empty. 

Often it’s the little things that bring the waves of grief. The empty spot where the flowers used to be, not waking to the scent of freshly brewed coffee. The silence with no sports on TV playing in the background. It’s hard being alone after so many years. There have been so many things I wanted to share with Mark over the past 3 months. So many times I thought. Mark won’t  believe this. So many things that he would have handled. That’s when it hits me that he’s not there to talk to, laugh with, lean on, or vent to. I miss his smile, his laugh, his hugs. 

I am comforted by the thought, “He knows.” He knows how grief stricken I am and he knows every struggle I’m experiencing. I also know that if he had a choice, he would be here. 

There are more changes coming. Thankfully I have good people in my life. People who’s council and advice I can trust. People who truly love me and will help me make decisions based on what us best for me. The rest are people that are falling away like chaff from wheat. Either by their choice or I’m choosing to walk away from them.  I don’t have the strength to deal with drama or betrayal. I don’t have the inclination to deal with insincerity. 

My husband was always true to who he was. “He did him.” I’m living my life through his example. He always showed kindness and compassion to others, but stood firm in his beliefs and principles. He never allowed others to treat him, (or me), with less than the same. If they tried he quickly put stop to it. Time for me to do the same.