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True Loneliness

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It is said that with great love comes great joy. In my life, I found that to be true. Sadly, I have also found that with great loss comes great loneliness. It’s a different loneliness than the loneliness that comes from being alone. That loneliness can fixed. An evening with friends, or a day spent with family eases that type of loneliness.  The loneliness that losing your spouse brings is very different because it’s not “just” loneliness. It’s pain. It’s realizing your no longer part of an “us.” It’s the realization that something inside of yourself is now broken and can never be repaired. It can’t be, because part of you is gone forever and the part that remains is shattered and destroyed. It’s realizing that no matter what you do or how hard you try your simply existing. “Going through the motions” of living knowing that it’s all meaningless now.  Everything my husband and I planned is meaningless. Everything we built, pointless. I will keep existing because he would have expected m
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Passing Time

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 The past week has been busy. Appointment, grief group, the ongoing projects at the house and the shop took up my time. Yesterday, I spent over 8 hours making a 6.5 hour trip. Traffic was terrible. I’m at my sons to celebrate the twins’ 6th birthdays. This is the second time I’ve been here since Mark died, celebrating grandbabies birthdays.  However, this is the first time I’ve stayed in a hotel since he died. Mark and I stayed in this particular hotel many,  many times. The last time was when Terrance got married last year. Another “first,” but this first has been brutal. Not only am I staying in the hotel we stayed quite often when we visited, but in all the rooms of a 7 story hotel they managed to put me by in the SAME ROOM we stayed in the last time! On top of that, today marks 4 moths since Mark died. I just can’t get a freaking break. 
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Is This Living?

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 Weekends are always hard now. Mark and I were always on the go and doing things together. He was truly “my person” and I was his. There was no one we enjoyed being with more than each other. The house was always filled with noise. People, dogs and the background noise of any sporting event that happened to be on. Football, baseball, soccer or Formula One. It didn’t matter. My husband enjoyed all sports. The competition, the sportsmanship. He could talk about any sport, with anyone. He could discuss college basketball with his brother in law and an hour later be discussing racing with his nephew.  Now, the house is silent. I rarely have the television on and the dog that made all the noise crossed the rainbow bridge to join Mark. The silence in the house echos the silence I feel internally. There is no joy. No laughter. No smiles. No hugs. I am merely existing. Doing the tasks that need to be done, but no more. I go through the motions of living. I get up, make my bed, get dressed and
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Changes Coming

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 Mark used to bring me flowers. Every. Single. Week.  His way of showing me he was always thinking of me and loved me. Some weeks it was roses, other weeks were wild flowers. One flower that was in each bunch, a lily.  I never knew which day of the week he would bring them home, but he never missed a week. Now, the spot where flowers used to bloom is empty.  Often it’s the little things that bring the waves of grief. The empty spot where the flowers used to be, not waking to the scent of freshly brewed coffee. The silence with no sports on TV playing in the background. It’s hard being alone after so many years. There have been so many things I wanted to share with Mark over the past 3 months. So many times I thought. Mark won’t  believe this. So many things that he would have handled. That’s when it hits me that he’s not there to talk to, laugh with, lean on, or vent to. I miss his smile, his laugh, his hugs.  I am comforted by the thought, “He knows.” He knows how grief stricken I am
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Creeping Forward

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 It’s been a few days since my last blog. Tuesday evening was grief group, it sucked, but I went! I spent a bit of time this week at the shop and the rest at home.  The grief still swamps me  I suspect it always might. I’m drawing comfort from God, family and close friends. I’m keeping myself busy with projects around the house  and hanging pictures. It’s so hard being so far away from everyone. This journey is dark and at times almost impossible to get through alone. It’s very true that the hardest part of grief is after everyone else resumes their lives and you are left alone. It’s impossible to pick up the pieces, as my life as I knew it is gone. I feel like I’m standing in the middle of my shattered life trying to navigate through all the broken pieces without being ripped open.  Slowly creeping past the pieces and moving towards something new. A new purpose and life that for the first time in 18 years, doesn’t include Mark.  Oh how that hurts. I don’t like this life, I don’t want
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Faith

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 It’s been a rough few days. Yesterday was especially difficult. For the first time since Mark died I just…..gave up. I didn’t bother to get out of my pajamas all day. What was the point? Who cares if I got out of bed or got dressed? I didn’t.  I forced myself out of bed to do laundry so I would have clean clothes to wear this week.  Other than that I laid in bed. Until the evening.  Then, I pulled out my bible, prayed and started reading. I’ve always been a woman of strong faith, but since Mark died I haven’t felt God. It was as if a wall has been built between God and I. My faith told me He is with me, but for the first time in my life I couldn’t feel Him. I have cried out to Him in my grief and yes, in my anger too. I have felt so alone and abandoned by God.  Until today. As I sat on my front porch this evening and asked God where He was, He answered. He’s right here. 
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Darkness

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 If I’ve learned anything over the past 3 months I’ve learned this; life can go to hell in the blink of an eye. Everything you planned, worked for and loved….destroyed. How does one ever recover? How do I go about doing more than simply existing when the light is gone? This darkness isn’t comforting, it’s soul crushing. It’s hard to breathe and do anything more than stumble blindly. All the while trying not to trip and fall. 
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